It seems to me that while getting tattoo'd, many people do not take into account the probability of future weight gain. Think about it. The teeny tiny rose on your shoulder may one day look like a Miracle Grow induced weed, and that cute little ink cupcake could quickly turn into a seven layer torte. Instead of determining one 'small' image to mark on your terminally slim body, it may be a smarter solution to think of something that can only get better with time (and growth!) If you are thinking of a small one-size-fits-all tat, the following is a list of easy to cultivate alternatives I would recommend for you:

1. A tidal wave

2. A hot air balloon

3. A sponge

4. Lady Gaga (celebrities are great, they get bigger and bigger all the time)

5. A tornado

6. A magic bean stalk

7. Breasts

8. A killer whale

9. A nuclear explosion

10. Pizza dough

I'm not hating, I just appreciate the art of a skillfully inked body and want people to be happy with them the whole time they have them. These are all very stylish and appropriate options for every day life. Feel free to work on getting a sleeve of all ten. Just don't put my face anywhere in the mix, I don't want it to expand. :)

I'm no English major, but we've all had our turns at cracking open a dictionary at one time or another. Whether you've traveled into the bathroom with the stocky book under your arm, or spent countless hours as a child looking up swear words like myself (Hey, I turned out okay). But it seems that for whatever the reason, people are not taking advantage of this resourceful book nearly as much as they used to. Before I get started on a major tirade about improper word usage, I'll just start by saying that this is not going to be the 5,000,000th post about how people are using 'your for you're' or 'loose for lose'. I'm not going to waste my time complaining about something that we all do. There's no need to beat it into the ground, spelling errors haapne! People will always make mistakes, it's not the end of the world. What I am talking about is the complete lack of effort within people to speak properly. Which will nicely bring me into the first word that amuses me:


1. Ignorant [ig-ner-uhnt] -adjective. uninformed; unaware

How many times have you heard someone say "You're ignorant!" when someone trips up or says something stupid or does something dumb. People constantly use the word 'ignorant' as they should be using 'stupid', 'foolish', or 'careless' etc. Johny chose not to study for the test. He's not ignorant, he's just stupid. He may be ignorant to the information within the test, yes, but not an ignorant person for not studying. The girl at McDonald's who forgot to put pickles on your burger, she's careless. She is not ignorant. If she had not been told that pickles were required on the sandwich, she would be ignorant. I guess I find it funny that the people always accusing their friends of being so ignorant, are really the uninformed ones themselves. It's almost ironic in a way, which brings me to my next pet peeve.


2. Irony [ahy-ruh-nee] -noun. incongruity between what is expected to be and what actually is, or a situation or result showing such incongruity

This word is constantly being used in the wrong context. Often times when people say "Gee, that was ironic" they mean "What a coincidence" but for whatever reason, they do not say that. Maybe they feel they're too smart to say that. But nine out of ten times people use the word 'irony' to describe, simply, unfortunate events. Some people do come close to detecting key elements that separate irony from tragedy. They other day my mom was urging my brother to take along his epipen with him to work so that if he gets stung by a bee he won't have an allergic reaction. My brother, Albert, works at a funeral home. He and my mother were having their mind-numbing dialogue about this when my mom spoke up and said "Wouldn't it be ironic if you got stung by a bee at a funeral and died?" To answer that question, no! That would be nothing short of an unfortunate tragedy. She was on the right track (no gold star for effort though, cause UN-ironically all the gold stars were given to the people who got the equation right. Catching on?) While coming close to irony, there was again a key element missing. Now if Albert, allergic to bees, got stung by a bee and died WHILE working the funeral of a beekeeper who himself had died of an unrelated cause, THAT would be ironic. The beekeeper here is the bridge that gaps tragedy to irony.


3. Literally [lit-er-uh-lee] -adverb. actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy

There's nothing I love more than exaggeration (obviously). But something that really irks me (Or at least mildly annoys me [there's that exaggeration again.]) is when people throw around the word 'literally'. "You're literally ridiculous!" -I'm sorry, I was aiming for figuratively ridiculous. Let me know when I've got it. "Oh my gosh this is literally the worst day of my life." "You're literally the stupidest person ever." Okay really, you have no way of knowing who the stupidest person ever even is (maybe it's you). Ever heard of the little boy that cried wolf? Well he must be related somehow to the girl that always cries "literally". People really need to learn to treat that word like a fine wine, a gourmet chocolate, or your aunt Mary; something you only take out once in a while when you need to, not just whenever you can't think of a more creative way to express yourself.

4. Sarcasm [sahr-kaz-uhm] - noun. mocking, contemptuous, or ironic language intended to convey scorn or insult

while I consider myself a pro at the art of sarcasm, please know that it should not be used by everyone, and if not properly executed can result in countless social disasters. I urge you not to attempt using sarcasm if you are like the thousands of people who mistake sarcasm for a quick chance at a rude remark. There are two types of sarcasm: the question and the answer. "Danny, did you take my car last night?" "Yeah mom, I thought I'd get some chicks downtown with your soccer-mom minivan. Maybe they wouldn't notice the car seat and stacks of coupons." Bravo Danny! He has successfully produced the sarcastic 'answer'. (And nicely dodged a punishment from his mother, by admitting something outrageous to her using sarcasm.) The sarcastic answer is not difficult to create. Using the proper vocal inflections, it can be an easy A. All you really have to do is say the opposite of the right answer, with a certain obvious tone. The problem that comes into play with the sarcastic question, is that it can only be successful if there's an opportunity for an answer. The sarcastic question will always be 100% more effective when paired with an open ended question. If this is not done:

-"Is this your first day?"

-"Did you not feel like turning the dryer on?"

-"You paid for that haircut?"

"What is your problem!?" You might respond. And in return get the "I'm just being sarcastic." No, you're being offensive. Try again! This is how people constantly fail to distinguish the difference between being sarcastic, or being just plain insulting.

These things and more make me laugh and cry. I hate to hear people using common, third grade, words out of context like that on a daily basis, but I can't help think of how ironic it is that these people are literally the most ignorant people ever. (Sarcasm, of course.)

Oh and just a little shout out to all the fifteen-year-olds who somehow celebrate their anniversary every single month: Anniversary [An-uh-vuh-suh-ree] -noun. the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event. Anni -annual, yearly? Not ever week, sorry. But more power to you for finding a decent boyfriend in the fourth dimensional space time continuum that you live in.

I work at Macy's selling the shoes,

Sometimes the customers give me the blues.

They point, they grab, they send me, I find

But then they just can't seem to make up their mind.

"Do you have this in 8? Or maybe a 9?"

"I'd be happy to check if you'll just step in line."

They stand in the line with a scowl on their face,

While I rush for their size as if it's a race.

I'll search for one lady, lest she should shout

And I have her size, so I quickly bring it out.

But when I walk out the door, she hands me 3 more

So I quickly go back and try not to pout.

I've found that most women don't know what they want.

They'll grab 18 different shoes just so nonchalant.

They'll come in for sandals, but now they want boots..

These are the people I just want to shoot!

They play and take pictures, and think that it's funny

But these are the people who never spend money.

My favorite part of the job is returns,

But before you do this, there is so much to learn:

They wear their shoes out, 6 times in a row

But heaven forbid we ever say 'No'.

They bring their shoes back cause they don't have the money,

Or maybe they think losing commission is funny.

Whatever the reason, it really just sucks

When you're just going to work, to make a few bucks.

Another thing I love is when they leave a big mess,

But people like that are just slobs I guess.

"Someone will pick up after me" they assume,

Then maybe I should go trash their living room.

But the people who shop here, I don't always hate

Some of them are nice, and friendly -it's great!

I make sure to tell them that they are the best,

And make 10 times the difference than the people who are pests.

But I guess that if that were really so true...

This poem would have been more about them too.